Boundaries as Self-Compassion: Learning to Say No.
Image Credit - pexels-tara-winstead. Image of a messy pile of lined paper, the top piece has a note that says ‘I can do anything not everything’
For many of us, saying “no” doesn’t come easily.
We’ve been taught that kindness means saying yes , to help, to please, to show up - even when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or quietly falling apart inside.
It gets worse during the festive season. Everyone is busy. There’s too much going on. And it’s easier to guilt people when they say no. “Where’s your Christmas Spirit??”
But healthy boundaries aren’t about rejection or distance.
They’re about connection, to yourself, your needs, and the kind of relationships that honour both giving and receiving.
When you learn to set boundaries with compassion, you stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace.
You begin to realise that saying no is not unkind. It’s an act of self-respect, and sometimes, it’s the most loving thing you can do.
What Boundaries Really Are
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end and another person begins.
They protect your energy, your time, and your emotional space.
Think of them as a gentle fence around your wellbeing, not a wall to keep people out, but a guide that shows where healthy interaction can happen.
Without boundaries, it’s easy to lose track of what’s yours and what isn’t:
You take on other people’s stress or emotions as if they were your own.
You say yes out of guilt, not genuine willingness.
You stretch yourself thin trying to be everything to everyone.
You spend so much time and energy making things perfect for others, you forget to take care of yourself.
Over time, that self-sacrifice doesn’t lead to connection, it leads to depletion.
And you can’t pour from an empty cup.
The Cost of Saying Yes When You Mean No
Every time you override your needs to keep others comfortable, a small part of you learns that your feelings don’t matter. You might feel resentful, anxious, or quietly disconnected from yourself, but also unsure why.
That’s because your nervous system feels the cost of overextension long before your mind does. Your body might tighten, your breath might shorten, or your energy might drop, these are all subtle signals that something’s out of balance.
Boundaries aren’t selfish, they allow us to show up from a place of choice, not obligation, and that shift changes everything.
Boundaries as Self-Compassion
When you set a boundary, you’re not punishing anyone. You’re caring for yourself. You’re saying, “I matter too.” That small act of self-recognition is at the heart of self-compassion.
Compassion isn’t just about being gentle, it’s about being honest. It’s about noticing when something feels heavy or misaligned, and giving yourself permission to step back or ask for what you need.
True compassion has boundaries. It knows when to listen and when to rest, when to hold space for others and when to hold space for yourself.
How to Begin
If the idea of setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, you’re not alone. For many of us, boundaries were never modelled in healthy ways — they were either rigid and cold, or nonexistent.
You don’t have to get them perfect. You just have to start noticing where they might already be needed.
Begin here:
Notice the signs of overextension.
Pay attention to resentment, exhaustion, or tension, these are cues that a boundary might be missing.Pause before agreeing.
Take a slow breath in and out before responding.Instead of saying yes automatically, try:
“Let me check and get back to you.”
That small pause gives you space to respond rather than react.Name what you need clearly and kindly.
Boundaries don’t need long explanations.
“I’d love to help, but I need to rest tonight.”“I don’t have the time, sorry”
“I can’t talk about this right now, can we change the subject?”
Simple, direct language is often the kindest and leaves less room for debate.Tend to the guilt.
Guilt often arises when you start honouring your needs, especially if others try to talk you round. That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong, it’s a sign you’re doing something new.Celebrate the small wins.
Every time you listen to yourself and act accordingly, you strengthen trust in your own voice.
Boundaries Create Space for Connection
It might sound counterintuitive, but clear boundaries often lead to deeper, more authentic relationships. When you’re no longer saying yes out of pressure or fear, your “yes” becomes genuine.
When you show up with your full self, rested, grounded, present, you give others permission to do the same.
Boundaries create relationships built on honesty rather than appeasement, and presence rather than performance. That’s where real connection lives.
When Boundaries Are Tested
Not everyone will understand your boundaries, especially if they’ve benefited from your lack of them. If you’re the person who usually says ‘yes’ to everything, when you start saying no you will probably be met with surprise, pushback, disappointment, or even guilt-tripping.
When that happens remember, other people’s reactions don’t define the validity of your need. You’re not responsible for managing their emotions, time or how busy they are.
Sometimes, holding a boundary is less about the words you use and more about the calm consistency that follows. You don’t have to argue or explain.
You simply repeat your truth with kindness.
“I understand that’s frustrating, and this is what I need.”
Living With Boundaries as a Practice
Boundaries aren’t a one-time fix, they’re a lifelong conversation between your inner and outer worlds.
They evolve as you grow, as your energy changes, as your values deepen. Some seasons of life may call for more spaciousness, others for more structure.
Each time you check in with yourself, each time you listen, pause, and choose, you’re engaging in the ongoing art of self-respect.
And in that space, wellbeing naturally expands.
Ask yourself - ‘Where in my life am I saying yes when I want to say no?’
Boundaries are not barriers. They’re bridges. To self acceptance, authenticity and wellbeing.